Ending it all
by Moixx
Summary: Sara reflects on one little thing that could change everything. No pairings. Suicide is mentioned. It is a dark fic if you don't like don't read. FINISHED
1. Chapter 1

This is my first fanfic and well personally I dont think I am a good writer. This is just something I flung together and it didn't take very long. If you recognise it- I don't own it. I only do this for fun.

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It's funny how one little thing can change your whole life. I stared at the single bullet on my desk and the gun in my hand.

Could I do this?

I remember working all the suicide cases. I remember the disappointment in all the eyes of the people around the body. Teen suicides were the hardest to work. Especially when you need to tell the parents. Teens never tell their parents anything- many parents dont understand the torment which drives their children to ending it all.

The latest suicide case I worked on was today. I was teamed with Greg. Since he became a CSI, he has changed. This job does change you. It makes you think differently. Or maybe that is just me. I have been thinking differently. Since Grissom found out about my past- I began to understand some things. I understand how people can commit suicide. I understand how much someone must want to end their life to actually do it.

Could I do this today?

I wish Grissom never found out about my parents. It would be better that way. But I didn't tell him everything. If I told him more about my past he would know my weaknesses. If he knew my weaknesses he would know how to hurt me. That would make me vunerable.

I started to think about thier reactions if I did put the gun to my head and pull the trigger. What would Grissom, Nick, Greg, Warrick and Catherine say? Should I tell them why in a letter? Or should I let them figure it out? They would blame themselves if I didnt tell them why. And I dont want that. It isnt their fault I need to do this.

I remember when my brother took his own life. I found him hanging by a cord with his eyes open and staring down at me. I found his suicide note- adressed to me.

Sara-

I am sorry I left you alone here. This was something I had to do. Dont give up like me.

Love you loads forever.

Kurt-

For 19 years I didnt give up. And now I was going to end it all.

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Love it? Hate it? Let me know. Should I continue? 


	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for all the great reviews. I was expecting something a lot more negative but well.. I decided to all another chapter. Story still isn't finished and again reviews are greatly appreciated.

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All my life I've been rejected. It started with my father. He never loved me. My mother too, she would never have done what she did if she loved me. She could have simply left my father and taken me and Kurt with her. We could have been a family but she decided to kill him and then leave me and Kurt with nobody. She was selfish. Kurt ended up leaving me too. When he died I had nobody. Nobody. No family. No friends. Nobody. That hurt so much, but I got through it. Or maybe I just bottled everything up and now- 20 years later it's coming to a surface. Grissom rejected me too. He wasn't the first guy to take my heart and reject it. But I thought he was special. It isn't his fault I loved him. I am over him now but still the rejection hurts. Now, I am rejecting myself.

When Grissom told me to get a life I think I died inside. Gil Grissom- loner of the century told ME to get a life! That tells you something doesn't it? I will end up the mad old cat lady in the rundown house in the neighbourhood. Thats if I live that long. Thats why I should end it now. Save me from living a more fuked up life.

After the DUI, I died a little more inside. That was a time when I became vunrable to Grissom. Thats what I dont want. When you are vunrable, you get hurt. That was the only good thing I learned from my mother.

My life has been pretty crappy. I can't say I have anything to be proud of. I'm not Catherine with a daughter to show off. I am not Gil Grissom the famous entomologist with his bugs to be proud of. I am not Warrick or Nick or Greg who have loads of friends and family to love and be loved by. I am Sara Sidle, loner or a 'loose canon with a gun'. Wouldn't that be ironic if by killing myself with my own gun proves Ecklie right? Maybe I should take him down with me. Bang Bang your dead. Bang, me too. However much I hate somebody though I could never kill them. Even if in self-defence I would probably feel so bad I wouldn't be able to live.

There is a difference in living and being alive. Right now, I am simply alive. I don't live, and I haven't in a long time. I left my life behind in San Fransisco. I should have went back long ago when I reliesed that there is nothing for me here in Vegas. And now..? Now there is nothing for me in San Fransisco. I lost contact with all my old friends while I was too busy fighting for Grissom. It got me no-where and now I have nothing.

Reflecting on my crappy existance just makes the bullet, still sitting on my desk, a whole lot more tempting to put into the gun, still held in my hand.

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Whatcha think of it? 


	3. Chapter 3

Ok the 3rd chapter is up. Hope you enjoy. It's pretty short though.

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Hope. That's a funny thing right? 4 simple letters that when together mean so much. I lost my hope for anything a long time ago. Hope, just something to disappoint you when it doesn't turn out right. Hope for other people keeps them alive. Nick, for example, when he was buried alive, hope kept him from putting the gun to his head. Hope won't stop me doing that. I don't believe anything could.

When I sleep at night, I dream about all the cases I couldn't solve. I see the faces of the victims, so lifeless and sad. I feel I have failed them and failed myself. I know some cases don't have enough evidence to solve but I still can't help but feel guilty.

Hate. Hate is something I have a lot of these days. I hate everything. I hate my job. I hate feeling the way I do. I hate myself. Hate is something that is hard to get rid of. You can't just click your fingers and it all goes away, however much I want it to. It hasn't always been this way. I haven't always been bitter and helpless. I used to be happy and strong, before I came to Vegas. The people here don't know me. They don't know the person I wish I still was.

I wish I was still in San Fransisco. I wish I never even left but I can't turn back the time now. Like so many people who come to Vegas, I gambled my whole life when I came here.. and lost.

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That chapter was VERY short. Still liking the story? Please review. 


	4. Chapter 4

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I have sat here thinking for at least a couple hours, but it feels like days. Shift starts soon and for the first time ever I dread going. This is the first time I have ever thought deep into my mind, into the thoughts I think. This is the first time I am afraid of myself, and the power I have to just let go. 

The god honest truth is that I don't want to die, but I am so sick of everything going wrong. I have been waiting for something, anything to just push me over the edge and now I am sick of waiting. I have waited for things to get better, but they never do.

For the first time ever, I called Grissom and told him I was sick. He told me to take as much time as I need, I intend to do so. After I hung up I got a beer from my fridge and sank into my sofa. I stayed there all day just drinking beer and staring at my ceiling. I don't remember a lot of what happened later, maybe because I don't want to, or maybe because I was just blind drunk. The second reason is much more believable seeing as I had nearly finished a whole 6-pack. But what I do know is that when I woke up, I wasn't alone.

Of all the people I could have shared my bed with, lying beside me was none other that Nick Stokes. I racked my brain for reasons to how this progressed this far, finding none. I got up, quiet enough not to wake Nick and noticed I was still fully dressed. That was a relief. I walked to the kitchen and got some asprin for my headache and a cup of coffee.

About half and hour later Nick came out of my bedroom. He looked clearly embarresed and I was clearly angry.

'So you want to remind me what happened last night?' I spat out quickly.

'You don't remember? Hmm.. a forgetful drunk?' He replied with a grin. I wasn't amused. 'Okay, okay. Well I came by to see how you were feeling. Grissom said you were ill. You invited me in, clearly you were drunk. You passed out, so I carried you to bed. Then you woke up.. and in your state of drunkeness.. you asked me to stay with you.' He winked. I glared back, not happy at all.

I watched his eyes wander to the desk in the corner of the room. OH GOD NO! The note!

'I think you should get some help Sara.' His voice was concerned.

'Get out.' I said to him, quietly but angrily. He didn't move. 'GET OUT!' This time my voice shook the room and he took one look at me and walked out the front door.

I moved over to my desk. The letter had been moved, and Nick read it. He read about all my thoughts and feelings. He 'knew' me, better than anyone else in the team. I took the letter in my hands and read the first few lines..

_It's funny how one little thing can change your whole life. I stared at the single bullet on my desk and the gun in my hand..._

I wrote it all down. He knows about my brother, my past, my weaknesses. In one moment, all the thoughts I wrote down were gone as I tore the paper into tiny pieces, impossible to stick together again.

Is this the end?

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Urg.. back to school today. I hope ya'll are appriciating me up at 7.45am updating this before I go to school. Well ya know the drill- read then review. It's still not finished but I'm still undecided if I should let Sara commit suicide or let Nick help her. Any opinions? 


	5. Chapter 5

I sat thinking.. again. I had done a lot of thinking lately but instead of everything sorting itself out, I only got more confused and muddled.

A knock at the door broke my concentration. Nick. He must have came back, and I knew for a fact he wouldn't leave again this time.

I got up from my position, huddled on the sofa and moved to the door.

Opening it, I found myself staring back at the last person I expected. Catherine. Just great!

Catherine had her 'mother look' on her face. I couldn't help but give her my 'death glare'. I didn't want her here, trying to talk me into not doing anything stupid. I wasn't even sure if I was going to do anything stupid. I tryed to get rid of her as quickly as possible.

'Look Catherine. I'm fine okay? Nick.. didn't know what he was talking about. I just snapped.. but I'm okay now. So you can go now. I'm really okay.' I did the best I could to get her to leave but she just stood there.

'Listen to me Sara. You will either talk to me or I'm taking you to the hospital. It's your choice.'

'Get out Catherine. I will not talk to YOU, of all people, and I will not go to the hospital.' I spat out the word 'you' like it was poison. Catherine just stood and took it. She still looked concerned.

'Sara. If you won't talk to me, talk to a friend or family. I know we aren't the best of friends or anything, but we all need someone. I will be here for you if you need someone. Right now, you need someone.'

I understood what Catherine was saying. After all if it was her in my position I would do the same as her. I fought back the tears but still they streamed down my face. Catherine pulled me into a hug and held me there for awhile. I felt wanted when she held me, all my pain just disappeared.

'So. Lets talk.' She whispered in my ear. We broke apart and I went and sat in the position I had been in on my sofa. Catherine joined me on the other side.

'I don't know where to begin..' I spoke softly. So I began at the beginning. I told her everything about my family, about what happened to me through everything. I told her the feelings I had been feeling. She just listened and held my hand, squeezing it gently to let me know she was still there.

When I had finished, she apoligised. She was sorry for everything she did to me, and everything she didn't. I didn't blame her at all. I knew we got off to the wrong foot, and she got the wrong impression of me.. but I did nothing to change that impression. I was as cold to her as she was to me, but still she apoligised. 

'We are all here for you Sara, whether you think we are or not. You want me to stay for a while?'

I thought for a minute before shaking my head. I was grateful for Catherine listening and being here but I wanted to be alone again. She understood

After she left I felt loads better. I no longer wanted to die. I wanted to live and discover so many more good things in life.

This isn't the end for me, it's a whole new beginning.

Fin.

So what did you think of it? Review please. 


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